Sometimes I really want a legit SCANDALOUS Lifetime movie – like pregnancy dramas and bad husbands are fun, but there’s nothing like a Lifetime Leading Lady™ causing her own problems to really grab my attention.
Infidelity in Suburbia has one of the most hilarious opens I’ve ever seen: it’s a full-on sexy scene with people doing a lot of sexy pushing (???) and then the woman’s son knocks on the door, disturbing them, and he’s covered in blood. THAT’S IT. WHAT?!?!?!
Hard cut to a dock with a low-key hot brunette, Laura, asking her husband if they can get a kitchen renovation. Her husband, Greg (a J Crew inspired average Lifetime Husband™) is not about it, he thinks it’s a waste of money. Money problems – check! They then fight about whether or not they should let their weird son Jamie play with a knife (you know, as kids do). Kid problems – check! Greg then takes a phone call from his hot assistant Hannah and steps away – marital problems, check!!!! Man, we are ready to rock. A random hot man helps Laura with a heavy box and there’s some dramatic hand touching. Remember that there is no such thing as a pointless hot man in Lifetime movies, so keep an eye on this guy! We also see a newspaper article about a house fire caused by arson. This is important later, so again, keep this in the back of your brain.
In the world’s worst edited scene, Laura and Greg are fighting about Hannah (the hot assistant) and their boring son Jamie falls into the lake. OH NO! I should mention that he’s like probably 7 so while this is not great, it’s also not like an infant drowning, just for some perspective. Random hot man, even though he’s further away, Olympic-runs over and grabs Jamie from the lake. Not sure why Greg couldn’t do that – he’s probably too busy being a bad husband to Laura. Jamie’s fine – though he says his leg hurts (no sign of any injury) and he cut his hand on the knife (SEE THIS IS WHY KIDS DON’T PLAY WITH KNIVES). We learn that hot man is named Elliot.
I guess to celebrate the fact that their son didn’t drown, we cut to a BBQ happening at Laura and Greg’s place. Elliot is inexplicably there – they don’t show us him being invited. The neighbor/BFF Mira is there – she and Laura are drinking GOBLETS of white wine and Mira keeps saying how much she wants to “do” Elliot despite the fact that she’s married and her husband is within earshot. Laura says she wouldn’t “do” Elliot, but let’s see how long she sings that tune.
Elliot stays for dinner, but again, we never see him invited. We learn that Laura is a painter but that Greg turned her studio into a work shed. Greg also refers to Hannah as beautiful while on the phone with her and Elliot gives Laura “are you kidding me with this guy?” eyes. We all agree Greg is the worst at this point, right? How could we not?
Remember how Laura wanted to have her kitchen redone? Well, she’s in luck, Elliot is a contractor. Updated kitchen AND a hot man in her home instead of her boring ass husband and outdated cabinets? Yes, please!
We have another weird sexy scene where Greg tries to put the moves on Laura, but she says “ow” a bunch and he gives up. I’m not one million percent sure what they’re trying to imply is happening under the sheets but I can guess. But also like, hey guys, can you just talk to each other?
Mira, learning about Elliot working at Laura’s keeps talking about how she wants to “do” him. WE GET IT MIRA. Elliot works around the house shirtless to try to be as tempting as possible. He shows Laura his plan for the kitchen and Laura does some not-so-subtle ab glancing. That’s a skill that needs to be mastered, ladies.
Laura takes a shower (with the door open) and Elliot comes upstairs and walks by in the spookiest fashion. Uh oh. Is this creepy or sexy? OR BOTH!?
We cut to Laura and Elliot at a home improvement store where there’s some blunt and weird sexual tension – Elliot tells Laura to close her eyes and suck a straw and bite a cannoli. Yes, everyone is uncomfortable watching this. Elliot says that he and his mom live close by and go to this bakery all the time and that she had unfaithful husbands. Not sure how bakeries and infidelity both came up within the same breath, but we’re getting some great exposition.
Elliot is unnecessarily shirtless again, Mira tries her best to seduce Elliot, the sexual tension is rising. Elliot says he “has his eye on someone” while straight up staring at Laura, so no one is being subtle at this point.
Elliot and Laura go to the docks to drop off some tools – the covers are off on the boat and Laura’s concerned. She goes inside to check and finds sexy purple underwear that is NOT HERS! OMG ARE HANNAH AND GREG HAVING AN AFFAIR?! To check, she looks up Hannah’s online dating profile and she’s wearing purple underwear in her photo, too. That’s confirmation, right??? It is to Laura! Elliot, in a rare moment that he’s wearing a shirt, comforts Laura, and Laura talks about how Greg has “changed.”
We cut to Elliot being a creep and looking at a photo collage of pictures of him and his mom and crying. So HINT, Elliot is CRAZY.
Laura and Greg are in bed reading and rather than having an open and adult conversation about what’s going on in their marriage, Laura makes passive aggressive comments. Greg, not understanding that something is seriously wrong in their marriage, tries to make things right by making moves again, but Laura rejects him. This marriage is hanging on by a thread.
Next day, Elliot is back to do some more work on the kitchen. He’s laying it on thick, saying how he wants to be a stepdad and how family is everything. Laura is once again in the shower, and Elliot decides that it’s full-on HAPPENING – he lets himself into the bathroom, gets butt naked, and gets into the shower with Laura – it’s ON!!! No one talks. They start kissing and Laura is into it, especially since her husband is cheating on her anyway.
Laura meets Greg at the dock (I think he takes the boat to work? I’m not quite sure what the whole job situation is) to tell him about the cheating. Before she has the chance, Greg talks about how this one young couple is going around and doing it on everyone’s boats – so those purple underwear weren’t from Hannah and Greg, they were from that couple! Greg is not having an affair! Laura cheated on him for no reason!!! Damn, girl. You messed up. Now that we know Greg isn’t cheating, his character does a full 180 and is immediately better – he’s somehow cuter, he’s super caring and thoughtful, and he reminds Laura about how great their relationship was when they started dating. Laura, GIRL, come on.
Elliot, still laying it on thick, plays soccer with Jamie and tells him that Greg is a lame dad. Laura tries to tell Elliot that they need to cut it off but Elliot isn’t having it – he talks more about how lame Greg is, does some sexy touching on Laura, and then they end up doing it AGAIN in the work shed.
Remember that crazy photo collage that Elliot had of his and his mom? Well, now he has one of him and Laura! REMINDER THAT ELLIOT IS CRAZY. He’s also not good at collaging – he doesn’t even match up the photos nicely and rushes his cutting and gluing.
Elliot gives Laura flowers for her birthday in front of Greg, and Greg is cool about it because he’s a trusting and confident husband. Elliot also calls Laura “my love” constantly because he’s officially crazy now. Laura tells Elliot it’s over between them, she’s not leaving her husband, and that he can’t work for them anymore. Cue the crazy music to remind us how crazy Elliot is. We even see him lurking in the yard, you know, because he’s crazy.
Laura heads over to Mira’s house, and she walks into a surprise party for her birthday! Greg planned the whole thing! And it turns out all those late nights he was working with Hannah were for planning this party! See, Greg is actually a great husband. They dress him in a great suit to show us that he’s actually cute and a catch. Elliot is there because no one is aware that Laura fired him, and Greg tries to set up Elliot with Hannah. Elliot is upset seeing Greg and Laura happy together and is fully ignoring hottie Hannah. Hannah, the classic single girl, won’t take Elliot ignoring her as answer – she makes some serious moves and goes home with him.
Cut to Laura and Greg at home and in bed. Greg is again proving that he’s actually a perfect husband by trying to have Laura talk and find out what’s wrong. Laura, feeling guilty, explains how she thought Greg was cheating on her and that she made a mistake. Greg stops her before she can admit what happened – he doesn’t want to hear the details and apologizes for being a bad husband in the past. They’re turning over a new leaf and making this marriage solid again.
We cut back to Elliot and Hannah hooking up on his boat. Hannah is being straightforward and sexy, Elliot is shirtless within milliseconds. Things are getting steamy quickly, but Elliot can’t get it up because he’s upset about Laura, and Hannah gets PISSED. She finds photos of Laura in Elliot’s boat, Elliot SNAPS and CHOKES HER TO DEATH. YES, THE TIPPING POINT. WE HAVE REACHED IT.
Laura walks into the workshed which is now back to an art studio and sees 235232 signs that say “Forever and Ever Laura and Elliot True Love”. Girl, it’s time to officially call 911 because Elliot is def in the house. Elliot is trying to act all cool, doing work and trying to act as if everything is alright, and Laura tells him to leave. He doesn’t, he keeps touching her, and won’t listen. Uh, girl, Elliot is crazy, still don’t understand why 911 is not on the phone. Sure, she threatens to call the cops on Elliot (but doesn’t) and Elliot goes next level crazy on her, threatening to tell everyone about their affair and starts hurting her. He only leaves once boring Jamie comes outside.
Laura does some solid Lifetime Leading Lady™ sleuthing and googles Elliot – she finds reviews of his contracting work in which one lady calls him dangerous. She goes to investigate, tracking down this woman in the town over and finding out what happened. The woman is spooked at the mention of Elliot – she says she almost lost her marriage and family to Elliot and that Elliot is CRAZY. Yeah, I’ve been saying this the whole time. She tells Laura to just look into what Elliot did to his own mother. Dun dun dun.
We cut to random teens at the dock – they find Hannah’s body in the lake. Gross and not good! We then dramatically cut to Laura’s house – Elliot comes up behind Greg and chloroforms him (a Lifetime classic). Laura hears something, picks up a bat (NICE!) and explores the house. Again, not sure why she’s so reluctant to call 911, but at least she has a bat. She finds a cannoli – the same one that Elliot made her eat earlier in the movie, so she knows he’s been in the house. Doors are open, her husband is missing. Ask me if she called 911. NOPE.
We see that Greg is being held captive on Elliot’s boat. He sees the awful collage of Elliot and Laura that Elliot made – there’s some fighting and yelling. Now everyone knows Elliot is crazy. Bummer for Greg.
Laura thinks “maybe Greg went randomly sailing??” Ok, this is where I decide I actually hate Laura. SO, she knows she heard something weird in the house, she found the crazy cannoli and broken glass and open door, her husband is MISSING without any note, she knows that Elliot is full-on crazy and would do anything to be with her, AND she also heard about Hannah being found dead. BUT she still somehow believes that Greg may just be sailing? I don’t know how she’s a functioning adult and truly believes this.
Laura finally tells Mira about the affair. Mira is jealous but listens to Laura’s concerns, telling her to be careful. But not careful enough to call 911 about your missing husband, I guess.
For some reason, Laura goes to the bakery that Elliot told her about and talks to the bakery lady that works there. The bakery lady is more than willing to gossip with this random young woman coming in for the first time and tells her of Elliot’s entire life – that he was a peculiar child, too involved in his mother’s life, and that his mother died in a house fire – the one that was in the newspaper in the beginning! So yeah, we can basically assume that he murdered his mom in that fire. Right before Laura leaves, she asks if she had seen Elliot recently. Turns out he was here yesterday and has a fiance, whose description sounds exactly like Laura.
Laura comes home, smells dinner is cooking and thinks Greg is home from sailing. OOPS, it’s not Greg, it’s crazy Elliot! He broke in to make dinner for her! No matter how many times she tells him to leave, he doesn’t listen. He starts getting violent with her when she continues to talk about Greg. Rather than appeasing him so that she and her son can get out safely, she eggs him on by making him talk about his mother and how he murdered her in a fire. He gets even more violent and ties her up. She FINALLY realizes she should just play along to keep him calm. That works for a little, but she can’t keep it up and he gets violent again. Jamie walks in on Elliot making the moves on Laura, which sends Elliot into a blur because he’s triggered (that was the weird opening scene we saw – he was the creepy boy with blood on him). Rather than just run as fast as they can to get out of the house, Laura stops to tell Jamie to leave and ask for help. Like in the time she took to talk to Jamie, they could have both been safely out of the house. But nope, Elliot catches up with her and smashes her with a hammer and leaves her on his boat.
Somehow alive, Laura wakes up on the boat, sees the bad collages, and stabs Elliot when she sees him (she randomly has a knife on her, the same one that her son was irresponsibly playing with). She runs to their boat, finds Greg tied up and sets him free. To make our lives worse, Greg has a broken leg so he can’t run. THIS is when Laura finally decides to call 911, but the boat radio isn’t working and no one has their phone. Stabbed Elliot finds them, Laura grabs a flashlight and fights him off with that (I’m also confused as to what happened to the knife, that would have been a much better weapon). There’s a great chase scene – as with every typical Lifetime Leading Lady™, Laura runs into a building rather than focusing on putting distance between her and Elliot. While fighting in the building, Elliot loses his balance and falls out a window to his death. Thank goodness. He’s done!
We move to the present. Laura’s kitchen is remodeled and beautiful. Greg is playing soccer with Jamie and we learn that Greg’s on a diet. Laura find’s a damn cannoli in the fridge which scares her! But it’s from Greg. He eats it, saying “sometimes, you have to cheat.” GET IT?! CHEATING ON HIS DIET, BUT ALSO THAT’S HOW ALL OF THIS DRAMA STARTED!!! Wow, way to bookend us, Lifetime. This was the perfect level of drama and scandal, and I was constantly gasping, so I have to give it a 10.