Roses are red, violets are blue, let’s find the perfect Lifetime/Hallmark movie for you! It’s Valentine’s Day this week, which can mean lots of things: a romantic night with your Valentine, a bitch session for Galentine’s Day, a quest to find the perfect place to cry alone (a car is usually good!), bar hopping to find a bone-partner, or for some, simply another Wednesday. And I have just the movie for every occasion!
For the one who is single and freaking ready to mingle – I Am Watching You
Did you think about going to see the new 50 Shades Freed movie on Valentine’s Day but then feel weird about it for a variety of reasons? Then this is the film for you! “I Am Watching You” centers on Nora, a romance novelist, who starts hooking up with her hottie photographer neighbor Lucas. It’s got all the off-brand stuff you wanted from 50 Shades: lots of boning scenes, an underlying issue of men dealing with control issues, and mediocre acting. The best part? You get all those elements and you saved $15 by staying home!
For the new couple – Love by the Book
Ah, the beginning of a new relationship! You’re probably still in a really optimistic place, which is exactly where you need to be to watch this movie. We’ve got a classic situation – a girl, Emma, with two guys interested in her and she has to choose between the two of them! Here’s where those rose-colored glasses are needed: neither of the guys are cute! Sure, that may just be my opinion (it’s fact, but I guess maybe I legally have to say that to avoid libel or something) but I must say, it’s hard to root for a guy with no character development or substance when he’s ALSO not cute. Plus, Emma is a bookstore owner but knows close to nothing about books and business, so that’s a bit of a puzzle, too. But you’ve got that new-love optimism that makes this movie’s weird casting and plot points fun and charming. You’ll smile, you’ll swoon, and you might smooch a little.
For the lady who is DONE with her man – Her Husband’s Betrayal
If Lifetime is good for anything, it’s perfect for those times when you want to reflect on how much guys suck! If that’s where you find yourself, then “Her Husband’s Betrayal” is perfect for validating that sentiment. Cathy has a new husband, Riley, but he’s traveling a lot for work and things just aren’t adding up. I won’t spoil the exact details of the betrayal aspect for you (it’s more than just infidelity, but don’t worry, there’s that, too), but we’ve got guns, we’ve got money, we’ve got cops and we’ve got fires! This is a full-throttle drama in every sense, and after you finish the accompanying bottle of wine you’re drinking, you’re sure to feel justified in saying that yeah, sometimes guys freaking SUCK.
For the one who can appreciate a hottie – Infidelity in Suburbia
Is a Galentine’s Day celebration your plan? Then I highly suggest Infidelity in Suburbia. This is some good, scandalous drama from start to finish. Laura, bored with her perfect model home, thinks her husband is having an affair and has a revenge affair with their hot carpenter Elliot. That’s problematic already, but Elliot 1) believes they are now dating and is immediately in love with her and 2) IS A MENTALLY UNSTABLE DANGEROUS MAN! Grab a goblet of white wine (like Laura and her friend did above), get your girls together, and get ready to gasp.
For the one looking to avoid romance – Sorority Surrogate
Not all Valentine’s Day plans need to incorporate romance, and neither do all movies! If you’re looking for some drama that has 0% romance in it, “Sorority Surrogate” is calling your name. We’ve got college student Val who is legit independent, paying her own way through college and in need of some fast cash. So duh, she becomes a surrogate mother! That’s all right and great until the couple she’s carrying the baby for dies in a suspicious car accident. When the baby’s grandmother makes her overbearing presence known, shit gets crazy (read: handcuffs and a mansion are involved). We’ve got two independent women trying to get their own way (one’s trying to control a young woman and a baby while the other is just trying to pay for college, but still), money issues, crime, and absolutely 100% no romance.